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Name: Exiled (AKA
Richie Whitehouse)
Age: 28
Club: Waseley
United.
Position at club: Started
as a Midfielder but became fatter and lazier so got
shoved up front where I formed a deadly partnership with
the one and only Stevie Thorn.
Where will your team finish in the league and why:
Unfortunately Waseley disbanded after last season
otherwise without doubt, they would have cleaned up
because they were awesome.
Who is your clubs joker: Stevie
Thorn was probably the biggest joker. Although there
were a few to be fair. Myself, Pezza, Chrissy Thorn,
Smithy, Karlos all were known to have a bit of a jape.
Not Strain though. He was a right miserable twonk.
Biggest success in football: Pulling
on the Waseley shirt. Not many people got to do it yet
I managed it most weeks. I could always see the fierce
jealousy in our opposition as we lined up in our bright
orange kit, they would look on with deep admiration in
their eyes. You could see they were burning with desire
to slip on the tangerine top. Although weirdly enough,
despite them standing there slack jawed in awe at you,
you could always smell the stench of fear on them at the
tonking they were about to receive.
Biggest disappointment in football: Hearing
that Waseley had folded. It hit me quite bad. In fact,
when I got home I headbutted my missus. She said she
understood though and I think she was telling the
truth. I apologised 3 days later after I’d calmed down
and she said ‘mfft arigtft’. I couldn’t really make it
out as her lip was still swollen.
Ever been sent off: I
can’t remember being sent off for Waseley, but in my
youth I was sent off about 6 times as captain of Rubery
Juniors. I blame Don Hutchinson. I used to model my
playing style on him.
Who do you support: My
girlfriend!!! Ha ha. No seriously I do she’s a student
and doesn’t have a job the freeloading sponger.
What's the worst piece of advice you've ever been given
in life:
When I was in primary school I was told that eating
gravel would give me superpowers. It didn’t it just
made my toilet quite painful for a week….
Describe yourself in three words: Handsome
bearded brummie
Tell us something about yourself that only you know: I
lubricate with Irn Bru before I have sex.
What type of music do you like: Changes
constantly. Just now it’s ratatat, deerhoof and acid
mothers temple who are mainly on my iPod just now….
Favourite Restaurant: Guys
restaurant in Glasgow. The food up here is so superior
to any of the restaurants down Birmingham I feel sorry
for you lot….
Favourite hobby apart from football: Sitting
in my pants scratching my paws and watching cricket.
What's your mobile phone ringtone: Just
now I keep changing it between BBC test match special
and Jona Lewie – Stop the cavalry. Topical, and festive
innit.
Give us a good website to log onto: nah.
What's the most daring thing you've ever done: Paragliding
off a mountain over favelas in Brazil onto a beach. I
actually went with Straindogs. This automatically makes
us pretty awesome…
Why do you like the Bromsgrove League: Purely
because
they allowed Karlos Fenemer
to get away with playing for as long as he did.
Worst pitch you've ever seen in Sunday morning
football: Any
that wasn’t Holywell lane. The jealousy on the
oppositions faces when they saw our immaculate green was
almost too painful to see….
What would you do to improve Sunday morning football: Winter
break. I’ve said it before so wont rant here but there
really is no point in pretending you may get a game on
between the months December and February…..
What's the funniest thing you've seen on a football
field: Waseley
were playing at the holiest of lanes holywell lane. We
were playing some team from Bromsgrove. There’s that
many I can’t remember which one right now. Anyway I
digress, we were turning them over quite comfortably as
we were in a habit of doing to most teams. Now it may
have been Swaddy (Andy Swadkins) so I’m giving him the
benefit of the doubt but he leathered a ball and it hit
the midfielder square in the face knocking him clean off
his feet. Funny enough you may think. However they
asked for some assistance so the sub on the side ran on
with his water bottle so the guy could squeeze some
fresh H2O in his stupid face. Within seconds of
squeezing it though he was lobbing it at the back of the
head of the sub who yelped and asked him what he did
that for. The kid sprawled on the floor goes ‘that’s
not water it’s fucking orange squash you twat!’ Oh how
we laughed. We beat them 10-0 or something. That was
pretty funny un’all.
Who should be England's Number 1 keeper:
I genuinely believe if he hadn’t spent his youth going
the Hanbury Turn and spending his Saturday nights
performing as a Rick Astley tribute it would have been
Euan Rose.
THEY DON’T LIKE ME. IT’S TRUE……!!
Capello or Sven: What
whose face would I smash my fist into first?? Probably
Capello just now.
Wenger or Ferguson: Wenger.
He put the West Midlands on the map with his appearances
on that X-Factor…
Hanson or Lawrenson: Hanson.
He looks like he could nail a pirouette a lot cleaner
than Lawro….
Stubbs or Keys: I’ll
have to go with Keys considering Ray died last month
with an ear infection. RIP Ray….
Facebook or Twitter: I
don’t use any of these sites. I keep in contact with
everyone I want to without the inclination to tell them
I’ve just eaten an apple.
X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing: I’m
too cool to watch any of these shows I’m afraid. I’m
normally watching 4 weddings on Living instead…. |
